This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
