We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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