I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
