masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
This baby is an asshole
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
