I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
