she woke up with a sticky ear
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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