Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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