just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
