I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
