It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
