They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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