Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
