I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
