the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
