Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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