the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
