I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
