YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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