My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
