the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
