I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
