A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I wish you could order shots online.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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