So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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