Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
