So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
