You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
