Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
