My room smells like vodka and shame
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
