I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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