Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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