She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
