Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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