Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
