This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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