why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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