I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
