I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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