I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
