just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
