he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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