i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
