i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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