I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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