It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
