peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
