He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
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