sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
