I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
