Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
