he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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