I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
